I wish I could look into your eyes
Just one last time,
But I know that’s not possible now.
You’ve moved on from all the ways I failed you.
If I could see the future
The way I remember the past
I would have made you smile
Like I always wished.
I wanted to take you to dinner.
I wanted to take you to a movie.
I wanted to hold your hand
And walk through the park.
I wanted to lay on the ground and kiss your lips
Then stare up at the clouds
And guess their changing shapes.
I wanted to sit with you on a rainy night,
We could just watch your favorite show
While your cat turned my lap into a home,
And I could take you in my arms
When it got to the sad parts.
I would have shared everything
And given anything.
The way you said,
“You don’t know what that does to me,”
Made me the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.
I had your heart
And it slipped away
And now I’ve lost my hope
To ever again find the same.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know,
Before you turn and go,
That my love for you will live on
Until time comes to a halt
And all trace of us
Has vanished from this world.
-
-
Thoughts fall down on a worried mind,
Much like a blanket in the baking sun.
Words drop short of the hill I climb,
Spoken from lips ready to call it done.Sad eyes raise to a lonely sky,
Where nothing there has time to shine for me.
Had to learn to be my own light,
Just to burn up trying to set it free.Supernova, burst out now.
Supernova, be my sound.
A dying day dies twice,
Like the fate I tried to beat:
Once in the compromise
And once in the defeat.Supernova, numb the pain.
Supernova, never wane.
Fragile soul, blow apart
Like the hope I tried to be,
Sear it into the heart
That lacked the sight to see.Light fills the cosmos completely
And there in it is what is left of me.
Ghosts gather in an empty sea
And lament on what they will never be.Born a hero with none my own,
I will live, the martyr of my own soul.
If I am never to be known,
I will still shine and search on to be whole. -
My days are melancholy,
But still I remember flight
And the bright blue sky.I walk a fine line,
Actively taunting both sides,
Flouting order in order to flaunt light.What little remains of that I was born
Bathes in rage fueled by pain–
Succumbing to neither.I am the ghost that haunts the nightmare.
I am the angel healing the broken.
I am the speaker for the lost.Wandering in the desert,
I am the thirst
And that which ends it.I was there at the beginning,
When mistake and sin painted red the ground
And the sun hid behind black clouds.Screaming, so loud was the noise,
But still I spoke your name
And drug you to safety.You kicked and wailed
And cried into the soft parts of your heart
You thought sealed by the drought of love.No matter how hard you may wish me away.
I will linger ever longer
In a world that has forgotten my name.Let me again be a reminder
I am the never defeated.
I am hope. -
It has been my experience in life that there are only two things worth sacrificing everything for: love and hope. Hope lights the path forward; love is the fuel to keep going. I wrote this a long time ago for someone that doesn’t want to know it, but will forever fill me with hope and love.
I’ve heard that a smile is worth one thousand words,
And yet no mere book written with the hand of man
Could dare compare to what rests upon your sweet face.
Still now, even a spring day in late May fall short
Of matching the hope one glance made to inspire.
Even from Dante’s ninth ring, I could sing of thee.
Oh, with sparked heart, you bring ever more life to me.
I’ve not the skill to express, nor the eyes to see,
What horrid emptiness your absence would expose;
Except to say it’s as the Earth without a Sun
And that I fall toward you with that same gravity.
You need not say all the things that need not be said,
For I can live forever, forever be fed,
By the warmth that springs forth from deep inside of you.
And when night falls and end of day has come to pass,
I yearn until I can look upon you once more
To thank the fates that they would smile upon me
And call myself amongst them, luckiest of all. -
Tears,
Fleeing from fear,
Travel lonely,
So lonely,
Through the passages of a weathered cheek.
The sorrow buried itself deep,
Where not a soul,
Save my own,
Would know the misery
Of it’s complete delivery.
Born to give hope,
Where lost is my own?
That it was ever intended for me
Is my own little hypocrisy.
It chose to vanish somewhere long ago
Before I had time to see or know–
Before effort spent was wasted on the treachery
Of a fate that had already decided a trajectory.
In the oft forgotten name of the greater good that lies ahead,
Let me continue to curse that thread.
I am not meant only to hand out joy
Like candy on Halloween–
For the real me to never be seen
Hidden behind an aging mask of pain
Growing weary of the same old same.
Forgive me, for I have sinned,
But exactly where have you been?
I cried out from down on my knees,
Trying to stop the light abandoning me,
But I am not a combat medic.
I am simply the survivor of a life so tragic
I had to learn triage for my own soul–
Learn to dig down deep or jump in the hole
And let it all fade
In an ocean of debts left unpaid.
Forgive me if I struggle to stay,
But the fault is mine to have come this way.
I do not blame fate, nor God, nor my fellow man;
I have two feet to plant where I can,
And good luck or not,
I did not learn to grow just to rot.
I will not fold to despair,
Having cast aside all intent to care.
Until breath has left these lungs of mine
And my heart beats for the final time,
I will rise and rise,
And I will rise and wipe clean these eyes.
I will continue on–
Someone not quite yet gone. -
A brief backstory:
This snip is from a larger collection of fantasy short stories I have written.
In this world, when people die their spirit does not simply get judged and sent to a place of peace or punishment. Instead, after physical death, a person’s spirit is connected with that of a newborn, where they are meant to guide and help the child into adulthood and throughout life. In doing so they prove their own growth, or lack thereof, and earn their way into the afterlife, or are forced to start the cycle all over again with a different child.
This physical-spiritual connection is called the “Symberge.” The connection between a seed (the spiritual) and a master (the physical) allows for the creation of aura. Aura allows for the use of magic.
A seed is physically present in the environment, but is unable to make any physical contact with any living thing. Only the person that a seed is bonded to can see or hear that seed, but all seeds can see and interact with other seeds.
This particular story focuses on Andi of Name Xas, a member of the privileged Arist class. Having grown disillusioned with the class system, and seeking to fulfill his grandfather’s wish of peace for their kingdom, he set out into the world to forge his own path forward.
——————–“The truth is,” he struggled to say, “I have always loved you. I loved you that first day in class. That’s why I lashed out at Llan. I loved you the very moment you looked at me and saw a boy instead of a pariah. I still love you. I will always love you.”
“I love you, Andi,” she replied and then looked down and backed away from him, “I do, but love isn’t enough.”
He remembered, those were the same words she used the first time he told her– that day under the willow tree. The scars still marked his heart. This time they didn’t hit quite as hard. He’d come to expect that he couldn’t measure up.
Aern stood silently in the corner of the room. His usual facetious poking and prodding was nowhere to be found. His face displayed the same gloom as the day he last parted with his own love– so many lifetimes ago.
“You’re still that same boy. Sure, you’re older. You’re stronger. That’s the thing. You’re strong enough you can save this whole world. You have the biggest heart I’ve ever met,” Zrae said to break the silence, but could read it on his face that nothing would ease the hurt of the words that just escaped her mouth.
Andi stepped forward and then paused. Her face was at war with itself: a smile, tears bubbling, sad eyes looking deep into his. “But, love isn’t enough,” he said, repeating her sentiment.
“You’re all of those things, Andi. You breathe hope into people just by being near them. I could never call you my own. Not when you belong to every soul in this world that needs your help,” tears flowed from her eyes. Her voice cracked as she spoke and the words caught themselves on the sadness amassing at the back of her throat.
“I will be leaving tomorrow,” he said, stepping forward to brush the hair caught on her damp face.
“I will miss you,” she replied, taking hold of his hand.
“You will forget me, just like everyone else,” he grasped onto her hand as it held his. “You speak of me as a savior. I am no such thing. I can’t even save myself.”
“You’re wrong,” she pulled away for just a second. “I will never forget you, Lord Andi of Name Xas, Seeker of the great mysteries of Tun’Tala, High Lord and Knight Protector of Tan’Tarun.” She lunged forward and wrapped her arms around him and then whispered into his ear, “When I think of you, it will be from deep in the places of my heart that no else will ever reach.”
He kissed her on her forehead knowing he would never be able to again. Then he turned away. Stepping toward the door of the room, he took one last look back. She was crying. Her eyes locked onto his.
Aern moved as well, walking slowly by Zrae in the process. It was an agony upon his heart that he could not place his hand on her head and tell her everything would be fine. He wanted to tell her he would keep Andi safe. Though she couldn’t hear the words, all he could manage was, “Be well, young lady.”
Andi smiled and removed the ring that had hung around his neck since the day she rejected it all those turns ago. Placing it on the table, his past had rounded the wheel completely. He walked through the door. Once again, he was all he had.
-
A goodbye is always best said
With a warm heart and a smile.
So, I will do my best when I tell you,
I have loved you this whole time.
Not, as some would say, so I would be yours.
And not, as others might boast, so you would be mine,
But rather because when I look into your eyes
I find the whole world staring back at me.
The world that gives me life.
The world that offers meaning to philosophical pondering.
Were you to find yourself Plato,
I would be your shadow on the wall.
Just as the world, you do not need to see me as well.
Just as the world, I only wish to see you well.
Hearts are a fickle organ–
They feel too much and ask for even more.
Yet, for yours I feel everything and ask for nothing, but peace.
A goodbye is often an ending
As one becomes two once more,
But my love will not part with this goodbye.
It will stay tomorrow.
And ten years from now,
When the orchards of our time together
Have faded from all but my memory,
I will still love you
From the dilapidated house overlooking the vineyards of our past.
Perhaps ’tis the hope I will never bury;
Perhaps ’tis the faith to which I shall always cling–
The faith I have in you–
For I know very well inside of my soul
That you will always be a part of me.
Though my measure never quite met my worth
I am much the better for what we were.
Goodbye, my world,
May the whisper of my love
Always rise with the sun
And never meet the shadows. -
With every pained breath
I feel what few I have left.
My work unfinished,
Is to be passed on now to you.
There was more I wished to know,
But my thoughts as the clock slows
Are fixed on your eyes watching mine;
And your gentle touch– fingertips sliding across my palm;
And the melody of your voice
Singing me off to whatever comes next.
I see the tears you hold back,
For my well-being and your own,
And I would ask to be spared of them.
Do not cry for that I am going,
But rejoice for that I was.
Here at the end,
Your hand in mine,
I have received the greatest gift of all–
Love.
I should have prepared better,
For these thoughts are all I have to give in return.
They are the only heirloom I can offer.
Every heartbeat is a miracle;
Every breath a work of magic.
In this waning light I would see you not shaded with fear,
But bringing brightness to the dark places,
As you so often have for me.
I see in you the very heart I so longed to possess.
I pray to all the gods listening
That you realize it’s full potential.
As it’s beat brought my own soul to life,
So too can it do for others.
As a bird, take flight
And make the sky your own.
Let them see you do it
And give them true belief–
That which rests in the deepest part of the spirit–
That which can break fate–
That which builds dreams;
For dreams, my friend, never die.
Cry not that my part here is ending;
In you my dream lives on.
I have no fear now
It will grow even greater,
And for those that come tomorrow
It will be the boon they need;
Though, just as I, they may not know it.
Oh, I have been but a flash of the greater fire.
I pray thee witness what is left of my spark
That it’s memory may bring a brief light,
Even if only with dim resolve–
The way twilight rouses the open field.
Let it ignite your passion
And break the chains of doubt
That may linger in my absence.
Be not scared that I go,
For I go to that great home all are called
Where I can live on
In a life after life.
I have lived this one as I believed best
And as if I had the power to save myself.
In the end I am left speechless,
Rambling nothingness wisdoms
To whom came to save me.
Gazing the great beyond
Mirrored back in your eyes,
My final wish is that I not be the last. -
There are very few certainties in life. Success is not guaranteed. Peace within is the bedrock of a good existence. Love alone is not always enough to sustain a relationship. And sometimes no one is to blame when things go wrong.
We tend to get so hung up on our failures that we overlook the positive influence we’ve made just by trying. Not a soul on this planet has existed that has not met failure. Not a heart has beat that has not hurt. Not a mouth has smiled that did not before frown.
Perseverance is our species greatest contribution to our small part of the cosmos. It is very easy to give up and quit. Fear and pain can quickly turn into despair.
And yet, here we are.
Somehow an animal that struggles to coexist with the very environment in which it was born birthed the wheel, agriculture, and civilization. We created art to give meaning to what we feel in our hearts. We taught ourselves to fly without wings. And now we explore our own solar system.
In 10,000 years we went from near extinction to encroaching on the realm of the gods, but it has not been easy. We have not always been altruistic tenants. We invented war. We enslaved our neighbors. We brought our house into disrepair. We wandered to the brink of destruction and taunted fate, multiple times.
While humanity is not perfect, our potential is without limit. Our imagination knows no boundary. Once we shed ourselves of the ideology that chains us to hatred and bickering over petty differences and vanity, then and only then will we truly ascend.
I failed to mention in my opening that there is one certainty I hold above all others. It is the altar at which I pray: that hope will always light the path forward. Hope that we can be better– to ourselves and each other. Hope that we can fix what is broken– within ouselves and the area surrounding our presence. And hope that the smile waiting tomorrow will be a reason to endure the pain today.
When all else has abandoned us, when everything feels wrong, and when no amount of effort seems to make a difference; hope remains. It is in each breath. It is the first sight after the blink of an eye. It will never leave us alone.
-
I do not love you
In any way this world would know.
You are not a star, nor the sun,
Nor the moon in a sea of darkness.
You are not a song to be sung
When long days weather wits to weary ends.
You are not the parting of black clouds charged with angry energy,
And you do not ride calm winds across shaky waves.
You are not the voice that bids me rise
As faulty nerves force frail legs to flee.
You did not whisper words of hope
When despair took hold.
You never chose me,
But it matters not.
I do not love you
In any way this world would know.
I love you in a way
Those pale pretending thoughts
Could never show.
