Thoughts on the Void

Every Heart Was Built To Have An Adventure

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I read. I write. I feel. Hope is my religion.

  • Snippet From “Of Men And Spirits: Andi and Aern”

    A brief backstory:

    This snip is from a larger collection of fantasy short stories I have written.

    In this world, when people die their spirit does not simply get judged and sent to a place of peace or punishment. Instead, after physical death, a person’s spirit is connected with that of a newborn, where they are meant to guide and help the child into adulthood and throughout life. In doing so they prove their own growth, or lack thereof, and earn their way into the afterlife, or are forced to start the cycle all over again with a different child.

    This physical-spiritual connection is called the “Symberge.” The connection between a seed (the spiritual) and a master (the physical) allows for the creation of aura. Aura allows for the use of magic.

    A seed is physically present in the environment, but is unable to make any physical contact with any living thing. Only the person that a seed is bonded to can see or hear that seed, but all seeds can see and interact with other seeds.

    This particular story focuses on Andi of Name Xas, a member of the privileged Arist class. Having grown disillusioned with the class system, and seeking to fulfill his grandfather’s wish of peace for their kingdom, he set out into the world to forge his own path forward.
    ——————–

    “The truth is,” he struggled to say, “I have always loved you. I loved you that first day in class. That’s why I lashed out at Llan. I loved you the very moment you looked at me and saw a boy instead of a pariah. I still love you. I will always love you.”

    “I love you, Andi,” she replied and then looked down and backed away from him, “I do, but love isn’t enough.”

    He remembered, those were the same words she used the first time he told her– that day under the willow tree. The scars still marked his heart. This time they didn’t hit quite as hard. He’d come to expect that he couldn’t measure up.

    Aern stood silently in the corner of the room. His usual facetious poking and prodding was nowhere to be found. His face displayed the same gloom as the day he last parted with his own love– so many lifetimes ago.

    “You’re still that same boy. Sure, you’re older. You’re stronger. That’s the thing. You’re strong enough you can save this whole world. You have the biggest heart I’ve ever met,” Zrae said to break the silence, but could read it on his face that nothing would ease the hurt of the words that just escaped her mouth.

    Andi stepped forward and then paused. Her face was at war with itself: a smile, tears bubbling, sad eyes looking deep into his. “But, love isn’t enough,” he said, repeating her sentiment.

    “You’re all of those things, Andi. You breathe hope into people just by being near them. I could never call you my own. Not when you belong to every soul in this world that needs your help,” tears flowed from her eyes. Her voice cracked as she spoke and the words caught themselves on the sadness amassing at the back of her throat.

    “I will be leaving tomorrow,” he said, stepping forward to brush the hair caught on her damp face.

    “I will miss you,” she replied, taking hold of his hand.

    “You will forget me, just like everyone else,” he grasped onto her hand as it held his. “You speak of me as a savior. I am no such thing. I can’t even save myself.”

    “You’re wrong,” she pulled away for just a second. “I will never forget you, Lord Andi of Name Xas, Seeker of the great mysteries of Tun’Tala, High Lord and Knight Protector of Tan’Tarun.” She lunged forward and wrapped her arms around him and then whispered into his ear, “When I think of you, it will be from deep in the places of my heart that no else will ever reach.”

    He kissed her on her forehead knowing he would never be able to again. Then he turned away. Stepping toward the door of the room, he took one last look back. She was crying. Her eyes locked onto his.

    Aern moved as well, walking slowly by Zrae in the process. It was an agony upon his heart that he could not place his hand on her head and tell her everything would be fine. He wanted to tell her he would keep Andi safe. Though she couldn’t hear the words, all he could manage was, “Be well, young lady.”

    Andi smiled and removed the ring that had hung around his neck since the day she rejected it all those turns ago. Placing it on the table, his past had rounded the wheel completely. He walked through the door. Once again, he was all he had.

  • Goodbye, My World

    A goodbye is always best said
    With a warm heart and a smile.
    So, I will do my best when I tell you,
    I have loved you this whole time.
    Not, as some would say, so I would be yours.
    And not, as others might boast, so you would be mine,
    But rather because when I look into your eyes
    I find the whole world staring back at me.
    The world that gives me life.
    The world that offers meaning to philosophical pondering.
    Were you to find yourself Plato,
    I would be your shadow on the wall.
    Just as the world, you do not need to see me as well.
    Just as the world, I only wish to see you well.
    Hearts are a fickle organ–
    They feel too much and ask for even more.
    Yet, for yours I feel everything and ask for nothing, but peace.
    A goodbye is often an ending
    As one becomes two once more,
    But my love will not part with this goodbye.
    It will stay tomorrow.
    And ten years from now,
    When the orchards of our time together
    Have faded from all but my memory,
    I will still love you
    From the dilapidated house overlooking the vineyards of our past.
    Perhaps ’tis the hope I will never bury;
    Perhaps ’tis the faith to which I shall always cling–
    The faith I have in you–
    For I know very well inside of my soul
    That you will always be a part of me.
    Though my measure never quite met my worth
    I am much the better for what we were.
    Goodbye, my world,
    May the whisper of my love
    Always rise with the sun
    And never meet the shadows.

  • That I Go

    With every pained breath
    I feel what few I have left.
    My work unfinished,
    Is to be passed on now to you.
    There was more I wished to know,
    But my thoughts as the clock slows
    Are fixed on your eyes watching mine;
    And your gentle touch– fingertips sliding across my palm;
    And the melody of your voice
    Singing me off to whatever comes next.
    I see the tears you hold back,
    For my well-being and your own,
    And I would ask to be spared of them.
    Do not cry for that I am going,
    But rejoice for that I was.
    Here at the end,
    Your hand in mine,
    I have received the greatest gift of all–
    Love.
    I should have prepared better,
    For these thoughts are all I have to give in return.
    They are the only heirloom I can offer.
    Every heartbeat is a miracle;
    Every breath a work of magic.
    In this waning light I would see you not shaded with fear,
    But bringing brightness to the dark places,
    As you so often have for me.
    I see in you the very heart I so longed to possess.
    I pray to all the gods listening
    That you realize it’s full potential.
    As it’s beat brought my own soul to life,
    So too can it do for others.
    As a bird, take flight
    And make the sky your own.
    Let them see you do it
    And give them true belief–
    That which rests in the deepest part of the spirit–
    That which can break fate–
    That which builds dreams;
    For dreams, my friend, never die.
    Cry not that my part here is ending;
    In you my dream lives on.
    I have no fear now
    It will grow even greater,
    And for those that come tomorrow
    It will be the boon they need;
    Though, just as I, they may not know it.
    Oh, I have been but a flash of the greater fire.
    I pray thee witness what is left of my spark
    That it’s memory may bring a brief light,
    Even if only with dim resolve–
    The way twilight rouses the open field.
    Let it ignite your passion
    And break the chains of doubt
    That may linger in my absence.
    Be not scared that I go,
    For I go to that great home all are called
    Where I can live on
    In a life after life.
    I have lived this one as I believed best
    And as if I had the power to save myself.
    In the end I am left speechless,
    Rambling nothingness wisdoms
    To whom came to save me.
    Gazing the great beyond
    Mirrored back in your eyes,
    My final wish is that I not be the last.

  • The Legacy of Hope

    There are very few certainties in life. Success is not guaranteed. Peace within is the bedrock of a good existence. Love alone is not always enough to sustain a relationship. And sometimes no one is to blame when things go wrong.

    We tend to get so hung up on our failures that we overlook the positive influence we’ve made just by trying. Not a soul on this planet has existed that has not met failure. Not a heart has beat that has not hurt. Not a mouth has smiled that did not before frown.

    Perseverance is our species greatest contribution to our small part of the cosmos. It is very easy to give up and quit. Fear and pain can quickly turn into despair.

    And yet, here we are.

    Somehow an animal that struggles to coexist with the very environment in which it was born birthed the wheel, agriculture, and civilization. We created art to give meaning to what we feel in our hearts. We taught ourselves to fly without wings. And now we explore our own solar system.

    In 10,000 years we went from near extinction to encroaching on the realm of the gods, but it has not been easy. We have not always been altruistic tenants. We invented war. We enslaved our neighbors. We brought our house into disrepair. We wandered to the brink of destruction and taunted fate, multiple times.

    While humanity is not perfect, our potential is without limit. Our imagination knows no boundary. Once we shed ourselves of the ideology that chains us to hatred and bickering over petty differences and vanity, then and only then will we truly ascend.

    I failed to mention in my opening that there is one certainty I hold above all others. It is the altar at which I pray: that hope will always light the path forward. Hope that we can be better– to ourselves and each other. Hope that we can fix what is broken– within ouselves and the area surrounding our presence. And hope that the smile waiting tomorrow will be a reason to endure the pain today.

    When all else has abandoned us, when everything feels wrong, and when no amount of effort seems to make a difference; hope remains. It is in each breath. It is the first sight after the blink of an eye. It will never leave us alone.

  • Love

    I do not love you
    In any way this world would know.
    You are not a star, nor the sun,
    Nor the moon in a sea of darkness.
    You are not a song to be sung
    When long days weather wits to weary ends.
    You are not the parting of black clouds charged with angry energy,
    And you do not ride calm winds across shaky waves.
    You are not the voice that bids me rise
    As faulty nerves force frail legs to flee.
    You did not whisper words of hope
    When despair took hold.
    You never chose me,
    But it matters not.
    I do not love you
    In any way this world would know.
    I love you in a way
    Those pale pretending thoughts
    Could never show.

  • Snippet

    He sat, almost crashing against the chair. Smoke billowed from what was left of the house behind them. Ezra was fatigued and lost in thoughts of the old man’s legacy: how because of him it was fading, going the way of the samurai, propellar airplanes, and vcr’s.

    He set out to protect them; to protect her. The roads had been long, but there was always a way home and a reason to move forward. Now the path was unsure, and it was a more sobering realization than he could bear.

    “How do people do it?” The words stumbled out of his mouth.

    Losing everything breaks some people. Otherwise normal lives can be twisted; moulded by the chaos. There are just some holes dug too deep for time to ever fill back in.

    “They just do,” she put her hand on his head and felt through his hair. It wasn’t a good answer, but he didn’t need a good answer.

    Hed grown up somewhere out there without her. She couldn’t imagine the pain he’d witnessed. Stories of the war seldom reached the villages, but what did make it’s way to The Outers wasn’t for the timid.

    Somehow that was far away from her mind though. He’d found his home again, and she couldn’t help but feel at ease. Sure, the house was gone. Yeah, the old man was gone. And she didn’t know how they’d explain three corpses and an explosion.

    But in that moment it didn’t matter. It just didn’t. Underneath the new gruff exterior he was the same kindhearted boy that she held as a kid every night the bombs dropped. That was all she needed.

    “I tried -” he started, but was interrupted.

    “Stupid boy.”

    She stood behind him, unrelenting in the setting sun.

  • On the Heart and the Mind

    Some contend that the human heart and the human mind are unexplainable. That the two are both intricately connected, but intrinsically unique, neither of which can be defined in logical or mathematical terms. Some would argue the two are philosophically one and the same. Some nihilist thinkers would tell you neither is necessary, while proper scientists would go out of their way to painstakingly list all the ways you couldn’t survive without either.

    I’m here to tell you, however, that both are easily explained in a very presentable manner. Scientifically speaking they are organs we can not do without, obviously. But for the greater picture of the human psyche, the two are something a bit more.

    The heart is the rudder, both sturdy and able to enact motion. We move because it shifts. Some hearts are bigger than others, and they cause much larger shifts. Some are smaller and tend not to change direction very much at all.

    The mind is the map, it both knows and it grows. It guides the heart left. It guides the heart right. It guides it straight, or even not at all. Some minds are larger than others. Some are smaller.

    Some people unfortunately have very small hearts, and very small minds. These are the people that tend not to progress with the flow of time.

    Some people have very large hearts and very large minds. Mostly these are the Mother Jones’, the Abraham Lincoln’s, the Mother Theresa’s of the world. These people tend to suffer, because they understand the cruel world. But they also leave lasting impacts by not only moving themselves, but leading the armada of civilization forward.

    Then there is the chaos. The large heart/small mind. It splashes and flails causing ripple after ripple through our world. All is effected, and not for the better. Both good and bad suffer equally from this societal carcinogen.

    Finally, for me the real disappointment of the group, is the large mind and the small heart. Those who know the way, but can’t bring themselves to make or take the path. Those with the infinite ability to progress, but the unwavering unreliability to do anything about it.

    Where do you fall?